OKAY. Normally, I'm not compelled to write DVD reviews, but I was greatly anticipating V/H/S, so when the DVD screener landed on my desk at work last week, I was very excited. And after watching it, my disappointment was so overwhelming, that it compelled me to write down my thoughts.
Let it be said from the outset: V/H/S is NOT a good horror movie. Anthologies tend to be weak anyway, especially indie anthologies, and this is no exception. Sure, there were some good scary moments, a few scenes of innovative gore and some creative ideas, but the acting was bad, the scripts underdeveloped and I came away from V/H/S generally feeling angry and frustrated. This COULD have been a great little horror flick. The fact that it wasn't pisses me off no end. Maybe if there had been just three well-written, well-thought out longer segments rather than the six half-arsed ones presented to me, I might've enjoyed it more.
NB: The people who made this film are presumably too young to have grown up with VHS. If they had, they'd know that VHS tape doesn't display any of the weird distortions and jumps that are regularly shown in this movie. DVD does, but not VHS. Also, when you tape over something, it doesn't occasionally drop out and reveal what was on the video before you started taping over it. Of course, if you stop recording, then you might see half a second of something else that was recorded (especially using an old video camera with those wonky "start"/"stop" buttons), but not the 30+ seconds that we see at several points in the main story. It's a minor point, but his shit also bugged me.
Anyway, here are my thoughts on each segment in V/H/S and the pros and cons (of which there are many).
WARNING:SPOILERS AHEAD!
Tape 56/Main Story Arc
Directed by Adam Wingard
SYNOPSIS: A group of Jackass wannabes get hired to find a VHS tape at a seemingly deserted house. When they arrive they find a bunch of tapes and a dead old man seated in front of a bank of TVs and VCRs. As they check through the tapes, we get to see what's on them, leading to the other vignettes. Meanwhile, group members disappear one by one until there's only the leader left. He finds a body of one of his chums, then is attacked and killed by the undead old man.
THE GOOD: The shot of the second guy sitting down to watch a tape and the creepy realisation that the body of the old man is no longer there...the genuinely nasty footage the group are seen filming before the main story kicks in: mindlessly vandalising a deserted workplace and running up to women in public and lifting their tops to expose their boobs...actually, there are some very nice boobs on show in this segment.
THE BAD: Why do a group of amateur film-makers agree to steal a tape on the say-so of a new guy, who automatically takes control and browbeats them into doing it? Why does the leader have such a pedobear moustache? How do they know which tape to steal (it's never made clear what's on it, so how will they know if it's the right tape when they find it)? Who gave them the job? And how did he know about these guys, who post their shit on line anonymously? Why do these guys agree to sit alone in a room with a corpse?
THE INEXPLICABLE: Why are these guys filming everything they do? They're just robbing a house, so why bother? Are they gonna put their robbery footage on YouTube? Firstly, it's boring and, secondly, they're not wearing masks, so they could be easily recognised by law enforcement officials. In fact, why AREN'T they wearing masks? This whole scenario is utterly dumb. Also, the leader falls down some stairs at one stage and breaks his wrist. He's the SECOND guy in this movie to do that.
Directed by David Bruckner
SYNOPSIS: Three dudes - one wearing a micro video camera in his glasses - decide to pick up chicks and film them having sex without their knowledge. They think they've scored when they meet wild Lisa and painfully shy Lily, and take them back to their motel room. But things go horribly wrong when Lisa passes out and Lily morphs into a cannibalistic monster who kills and eats the hapless studs.
Second Honeymoon
Directed by Ti West
SYNOPSIS: A couple, Sam and Stephanie, are on vacation near the Grand Canyon. They visit a Wild West-themed town and stay at a grimy motel. They film everything. That evening, a young woman knocks on their door and asks for a lift in the morning. Sam says no and is disturbed by the conversation. They go to sleep in separate single beds. Later that night, someone enters the room and quietly films the couple with their video camera. At one point, the intruder rubs a switchblade along Stephanie's panties. Walking into the bathroom, the intruder is revealed in the mirror as a woman wearing a mask. She steals money from Sam's wallet and sticks his toothbrush in the toilet. The next day, the couple argue over the missing money. That night, they go to bed and are later visited by the mysterious intruder. While filming, she kills Sam by slitting his throat. While cleaning the blood off the knife in the bathroom, the killer pans around to reveal that Samantha is with her. They kiss. The next morning, Samantha aks her lover, "Did you erase the footage?"
Tuesday the 17th
Directed by Glenn McQuaid
SYNOPSIS: Four young friends go on a trip to visit the wilderness area where Wendy spent her childhood holidays. Once they arrive, Wendy starts acting weird and claims, "You're all gonna fucking die out here." She also talks about being the survivor of a series of killings by a madman, then pretends it was a joke. Two of the friends wander off and are savagely slaughtered by an invisible assailant. Wendy tries to seduce Joey, but he gets his throat slit before anything can happen. Wendy runs off and is pursued by the assailant, who gets caught in three traps. However, he escapes from them all and eventually murders Wendy. Before she dies, she warns everyone watching the video to never visit the area.
THE GOOD: The way the killer is shown as a shadowy glitch on the videotape is clever. A couple of the murders are particularly vicious, especially Wendy's at the end.
THE BAD: These people are "friends", yet none of them knew Wendy was the sole survivor of a Jason Voorhees-style supernatural killing rampage? Er...yeah. The way every single character is completely one-dimensional may be a "homage" to old splatter flicks, but I just found it irritating.
THE INEXPLICABLE: When did Wendy find time to make all these traps to hunt the killer? She said earlier that she brought her friends along to act as "bait" to keep the killer distracted, but she surely didn't have time to make such intricate traps while they were there. She MUST have been in the area at an earlier date. If so, why didn't the killer just get her at that point?
Also, after disembowelling Wendy, does the supernatural freak start shagging her? It kinda looks like it. If so, that's fucked up. If not, then *I'M* fucked up.
The Sick Thing That Happened to Emily When She Was Younger
Directed by Joe Swanberg
SYNOPSIS: Emily skypes with her doctor boyfriend James who is in another city. Emily complains about the lump in her arm and the fact that she thinks her new flat is haunted. After a few conversations over several nights, the couple are startled to see a ghostly child rush past the webcam. The next night, Emily sees another child in her living room. Later, she decides to confront the children. They attack her and she's knocked unconscious. James appears and it's revealed that he's been staying nearby all this time and not in another city. He turns Emily on her stomach, slices a hole in her back with a scalpel and removes a small foetus. It's revealed he's in league with aliens and the lump in Emily's arm is a tracking device. James asks how many more times must this be done to Emily. He then prepares to beat her up and make it look like she's been in a car accident. We cut to Emily a few days later Skyping James, who's still pretending he's in another city. She has a black eye and her arm in a sling. She says a doctor that James recommended to her has diagnosed her with schizophrenia, which she thinks explains why she thought she saw ghosts and also why she can't remember running in front of a car that night. Later, we see James talking to another woman on Skype. She's complaining about the lump in her arm.
THE GOOD: The bare bosoms belonging to Emily (Helen Rogers)...the use of Skype as "found footage"...the scene where a slightly unhinged Emily starts digging into her arm with a kitchen knife to get to the lump (this was actually quite disturbing but it led nowhere). It's also creepy learning that James is running this baby alien scam with other women.
THE BAD: The idea that getting your back sliced open with a scalpel and having an alien foetus removed can be written off as injuries sustained in a car accident. The fact that James reacted when the ghost/alien ran in front of the webcam, thereby showing Emily that she wasn't imagining things. This fact is ignored when Emily later says she's been diagnosed with schizophrenia and it's all in her head.
THE INEXPLICABLE: Why? Seriously...why? Why is James - who has known Emily since they were kids - in league with aliens? And how is she having alien babies? And why are the aliens pretending to be ghosts? Do they enjoy fucking with chicks after they've fucked them? On an unrelated noted, who would transfer a Skype conversation onto videotape? It makes no fucking sense.
10/31/98
Written and directed by Radio Silence
SYNOPSIS: Four friends get invited to a Halloween costume party, but get lost and wind up in the wrong house. At first, they think it's been set up like a haunted house. There are ghostly figures, weird noises and, as one of them laughs, "hands coming out of the walls trying to grab us". They eventually go down to the basement where they think they're witnessing a fake exorcism of a young woman who's tied up. Turns out it's real. As they start freaking out, several of the dudes doing the exorcism are grabbed by an unseen force and sent flying towards the ceiling. The four friends flee the basement and make it out of the house...except...one of them decides they should be heroes and go back to rescue the girl. They race back to the basement and beat down the one remaining exorcist dude, who's then grabbed by arms reaching out of the floor. The guys cut the girl free and carry her through the house. Things are going crazy - plates and cups are being thrown around one room. Hand prints are scorched into a wall and arms are appearing everywhere, trying to grab the friends and the girl. When the doors and windows seal up, preventing their escape, the group hastily rush down into the storm cellar and exit the house that way. They get to their car and take off. After a few minutes, however, the car stalls and the girl mysteriously disappears. She then appears outside and screams at them. The guys are trapped inside the car and stuck on a railway line as a freight train rapidly approaches...
THE GOOD: The nice foreshadowing of the ending at the start of the segment when the friends are in the car sitting at the railway crossing waiting for a freight train to pass...the arms coming through the wall and the dudes thinking it's a Halloween haunted house trick, that was a cool touch.
THE BAD: Seriously, this was one creepy-as-fuck house and clearly there was no party going on. Why would these guys just wander round there? They're at the wrong house, so just fucking leave. The ending was way too telegraphed - it was obvious the girl was possessed and was gonna kill them all.
THE INEXPLICABLE: How hard is it to find a party in LA? It was 1998 - people had mobile phones back then. Just call someone if you're lost and need directions. A minor bugbear is the fact that this final segment starts at the end of the main story's videotape. Just before his death, the leader is filming on a used tape they brought with them...which leads into this story. You're telling me that those dudes never watched this video first before taping over it? Why not? It might have been an amateur porno or a celebrity sex tape and they could've made money off it. Why not check it out first, then see if it's worth dubbing over.
AAAAARGHHHHH! I've had enough. It's 2.30am. I'm going to bed. In a nutshell, don't waste your time on V/H/S.
